One Year

Warning: long post ahead

One year ago today. One year ago our lives were drastically changed and in that day, I thought they changed for the worse, but looking back I am so thankful!

Part of this post is Aron’s story, but the part of his story needs to be told so that you can understand mine. His story is his to tell, but the impact his story has on my life and my story is huge - and rightly so since we are one flesh in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.

On the morning of January 31, 2019, I woke up to get ready for Bible Study Fellowship. I heard Gus Gus meowing and clawing at the door, and as I walked towards the living room, smelled something burning. I walked into the kitchen and found an empty pot on the stove with the burner on high. Aron had gone to bed without turning the stove off. As I debated whether or not to be concerned with his lapse in memory, I heard him get up and go into the bathroom. We have to go through our bathroom to get to the bedroom. When I went to get dressed for BSF, the bathroom door was locked. This is very unusual because we never lock the bathroom doors. Aron was in the shower. I called to him - no response, I knocked on the door - no response. For 15 minutes I tried to get his attention to unlock the door for me. Finally, I grabbed our tools and broke the lock. I walked into the bathroom and yelled to Aron - no response. I knocked on the shower door - no response. He was upright and alert, just staring at the wall smiling and not responding to me. I opened the shower door, yelled his name and even touched his shoulder - still no response, not even a flinch. I called my mom in a panic. She agreed that I should call 911.  While I was on the phone with my mom l heard a crash. Aron had lost his balance (or briefly fainted, we don’t know for sure) and fell against the shower door catching himself with his shoulder in the corner of the wall and door. He the stood back upright. We hung up and she started praying, along with my dad, my sister and her family. Thank you, Jesus for prayer warriors! While I was on the phone with dispatch, he sat down in the shower briefly, and then stood back up. At this time he had been in the shower for close to 45 minutes.

After the paramedics arrived, it took them another 15 minutes to get Aron’s attention, to get the shower turned off and for him dressed. Once we had his attention, he was very cooperative, but had no idea what was going on. He didn’t know his name, his birth date, or my name. He only knew that I was his wife. To the ER we went - Aron via ambulance and me behind in my car.

In the ER, he had a urinalysis and blood work done, and when nothing was found, they did a CT scan of his head. The staff in the hospital were horrible about keeping me informed about what was going on, and I don’t think I will ever use that hospital ER again, but I trust that God had a purpose for us using that particular place. Because no medical issues were immediately found, Aron was transferred to a behavioral health hospital, where he stayed for 2 weeks.

This is where I begin with my story.

For two weeks, I could only visit him one hour per visit and only 3 days per week. It was heart-wrenching. During those two weeks, I spent more time reading my Bible, and crying out to God than probably the entire previous year. I found Jesus in a place that I never wanted to go. The Holy Spirit spoke scripture to me and I heard it so clearly. God gave me so much peace among the unknown. I didn’t know how long Aron would be gone, I didn’t know what was wrong with Aron – medically and/or mentally, I didn’t know whether we would stay here or move to be near family.

Some of the Bible verses that really comforted me and spoke to me (NIV):

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3     he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk

    through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

 5 You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever.

Exodus 14:14

14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Joshua 1:8-9

8 Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

1 Peter 5:7-10

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

God has revealed so much to me about myself over the last year, both good and bad.

I have learned that I desire control, way more than I ever wanted to admit. I wanted so badly to call up Aron’s drs and therapist and tell them exactly what is going on, what has happened in Aron’s life (that I was aware of anyway) and exactly what I thought my diagnosis for him was. I was encouraged by well-meaning friends to do so as well. However, I felt God leading me to let go and let Him. He was in control. I felt the Spirit tell me to – in a nice way – back off and let God work. If I stepped in, I would just be in the way. I learned to fight the battles through prayer and worship, and not control. If the hospital called and asked me questions, I was (and still am) happy to honestly answer and give my input where they ask – but I don’t initiate.

I have learned that I don’t need to rescue anyone – only point them to the rescuer (Jesus Christ) and then allow Him to work. But, oh how I want to be the hero and the rescuer. I would be the first person to give advice and then get extremely frustrated when my advice wasn’t followed. That was not the type of friend and person I want to be.

I have learned that in my physically weakest moments, God is my only strength. Looking back, I can say that the only reason that I made it to work every day I was scheduled, and that didn’t have anxiety attacks was because God. God showed up and He still shows up.

I also learned that having a tribe of people praying for you and encouraging you and walking beside you (even if it’s from miles away) is such a blessing. I cannot thank my friends and family enough that have stood by us and prayed for us.

Back to Aron’s part of the story,

One year later, so much healing as taken place, but much more still needs to come. We’ve had our ups and downs, good days and bad days, but always taking steps forward. We now know that Aron has PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and Bi-polar mood disorder as a result of trauma he has endured. Those details are his to tell if, and when he wants to. The manic state of bi-polar is most likely one of the reasons for memory lapse and lack of response.

Rescuing Heart

Over the last few months, I have learned so much about myself and the person that I want to be. I have experienced friendships that model the kind of friend I want to be towards others. I have also experienced relationships that were unhealthy and allowed me to see where I needed to change.

Let’s go back to November/December. A lady in my bible study discussion gave each of us in our discussion group a book called Reclaiming YourHeart: A Journey Back to Laughing, Loving, and Living. She volunteered/worked with a ministry that used this book.  Fast forward to the first week of January. I decided to read the book finally. And looking back, it was God’s perfect timing! First of all, READ THIS BOOK! It will change your life! Second, while so much of this book impacted my life, I’m only going to share one very small part that played a very large role in changing the kind of friend that I am (at least that’s what I’m striving for).

Screen shots take from the sample on google books.

My name is Angey, and I have a people pleasing, rescuing heart! I want to fix all that’s wrong, I want to make everyone happy and healthy and successful, I don’t want people to feel pain or suffering, I want to save them. Here’s the thing, *I wasn’t created to save people*… I had to say that to myself many times over. I was created to point people to the One True and ONLY Savior – Jesus Christ.

As I said before, God’s perfect timing. At the end of January and into February, our lives were rocked - I’ll go into more detail about that on a later blog post. I needed to lean into Christ more than I ever have before and I needed to lean into friends and family! I am so blessed in that I have a wonderful extended family that prayed for us, sent notes of encouragement and offered assistance in ways that they could from long distance. I have friends that are local that stepped up to make sure I was taking care of myself and that I was doing ok physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have friends that are long distance that were always just a phone call or text away if I needed encouragement or prayers. I am so thankful for my tribe of people! Basically, in this season (we are still walking through some rough stuff), I’m on what I would call the receiving end of the relationship – with any given friend/family member. I’m the one that needs the rescuing – the fixing – according to my old self’s heart. During this hard season, God really opened my heart to seeing the kind of friend I wanted to have and therefore that I wanted to be.

So many friends and family members offered counsel and encouragement and I appreciate every single piece of advice, offer of support, words of encouragement and knowledge from experience. At the end of the day though, I needed God. I needed to hear His voice and know that I was doing what He wanted and following the path that He had laid before us. And quite often, what I felt God saying and what others were sharing with me collided, and I chose God. People were hurt and relationships damaged. And I got it. You see, I have always been that ‘friend’ that gave advice – probably unsolicited – and would get very upset when my friend wouldn’t listen and would choose a different direction. I would be hurt and frustrated and damage the relationship because basically I felt unneeded, unwanted and ignored. And now, I was on the opposite side of the relationship and I understood. What I want people to know and understand is that I absolutely listened to every single person’s advice and help and I took it to heart. I prayed for hours over it because I was treading new waters and had no idea what to do, so I took it all to God, and I trusted Him. He gave me a peace that I cannot describe and pointed me to scripture to back up what I felt He was leading me towards. I will never resent or frown upon advice or encouragement because I know it is out of love.

Here is where I’m changing: I will offer encouragement when I can, I will be available for help and support when I’m asked. And I know, that there are circumstances where stepping up and 'just doing' to help are needed and I will seek God in those moments and pray that He will direct me whether I need to just do, or I should ask first. I won’t get angry, or frustrated, or hurt if my advice isn’t taken or if my help is rejected – I won’t take it personally. I will pray.

I don’t want to be the friend that seems to be in it to rescue and is selfish.

I want to be the friend that is available, listens, encourages and LOVES.

If you have been hurt, frustrated, irritated, etc. because of me, I am sorry. Will you please forgive me. And if you notice rescuing tendencies popping up from me in our relationship, will you please politely bring it to my attention? Let me know that *whatever rescue attempt I'm making* isn't what you want or need. Thank you! Love you all!

Feeling provoked

God has been doing a great work in my heart through Bible study and relationships. I find myself angry, hurt, frustrated, irritated, sarcastic or even happy -- when I shouldn't be -- as a response to something I’ve heard or read. Most of the time, I’ll be honest, it's from something on social media. Occasionally, my reaction has come from a passage in the Bible, from a bible study question about what I read, or from words that were spoken during an in-person encounter. My immediate reaction is to react out of whatever emotion I’m feeling, mostly anger. If it’s on social media or an in-person conflict – my chest will tense up and my anxiety will flair. Because I don’t often like to engage in debates, controversial topics or any confrontation, I often don’t actually respond, but just let that emotion seethe within my soul and eat away at my insides. If it’s a response to the Bible, I will often take it out on God – I am SO incredibly thankful that He has very large shoulders and can handle whatever words I decide to hurl – and He’s also a God of patience and grace and gives that to me freely while I calm down.

What God has shown me over the last few months, is that when something someone provokes me, it is usually my own heart that needs examination and change. Why is what I heard/read making me angry, sad, frustrated, etc? Why do I feel the need to react? The simple answer – my pride. I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to learn something new, I don’t want someone else to be right, I don’t want someone else to have something I don’t, I don’t want someone else to have what I do have, and the list goes on and on.

Why am I writing this all? Maybe this is something that someone else needs to consider as well. If you find yourself welling up with not-good emotional reactions at life, maybe do yourself a favor and check your own heart first. You may surprise yourself. It could very well be that the emotion that was provoked is justified and you have very good reason to be angry or sad or frustrated, but also then take that to heart and see if you can’t come along side of whatever provoked you and see why it was said/done/written in the first place and resolve the issue in love and peace rather than stir up more dissension.

Truly thankful?

We all love a good story, right? Well, it’s story time.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Grace who loved God and loved her family.  Grace and her family moved into a smaller home while waiting for the dreams of their forever home to be fulfilled.  She thanked God for providing their current home as it was a roof over their heads and it met their needs.  The cost was low enough that she was able to stay home and take care of the household, while her husband worked diligently to provide.  Her husband was even able to go back to school for a season.  Grace was always quick to tell others about how much God had blessed her and her family and how she was so thankful for her home.

Here’s what Grace didn’t tell people.  Here is what Grace harbored in her heart.  Here is where the truth comes out.  Grace was always dreaming about the next house.  Grace didn’t put forth much effort to make this ‘temporary’ house a home.  She pretended to, but she didn’t really.  Grace longed for the day that she and her family could put down roots and settle into their forever home, their dream home.  She longed for the day where she could decorate the walls and hang pictures. Grace didn’t seek out relationships or friendships in her community because that isn’t where her heart was.  Her heart was where her next house, her forever home, was.

Let me ask you a question, if Grace’s heart is waiting and longing for the future, so much that she isn’t enjoying what she has now, is she truly grateful and thankful?

Truth: This story is true.  This story is based upon someone whom I know very well.  This is my story.

We bought a small 2 bed 2 bath house in a small town.  This house has been a huge blessing – which I’ve written about previously, so I won’t go into crazy detail.  This house was inexpensive so my hubby was able to qualify for a mortgage by himself with his new job.  It gave us a place to live, a place for me to move down to, that was at least ½ the cost of rent.  The low monthly payment has meant that I haven’t had to work over the last 2 years.  I’ve still been able to travel to visit friends and family quite often.  We’ve also been able to bless others.  We are spoiled with 2 bathrooms.  A railroad track lines our property!  We live in a very walkable neighborhood and we are so close to town that I can walk to the dollar store, park, coffee shop, the post office and many other places. 

I wrote before about living for today, but guess what?!  After I finished that wall – I gave up.  I started putting off projects because we weren’t going to be here for much longer, therefore why bother.  I started watching real estate and actively looking in multiple areas for our forever home, for the house that fulfills all of our wants and desires.  I started looking at floor plans again, just in case we decide to build.  And with each house I looked at, I became more and more discontent with our current house.  It’s too small.  The layout is crazy and the walls are stuck where they are – the exterior AND interior walls are cement block.   This house has almost zero insulation so even though it is only 1000 sq ft, our energy bills are crazy high.  Our kitchen has a weird layout.  Our dishwasher doesn’t work well.  We don’t have a grocery store nearby.  It takes me at least a half hour to visit any friends or to go to Bible Study Fellowship.  OUR HOUSE IS ORANGE!  The list kept growing over things that I didn’t like.

Home Depot had a great sale on paint Memorial Day weekend.  I was able to purchase 10 gallons of exterior paint for $120 after rebate.  The weather eventually cooperated and I was able to start cleaning and painting the outside of our house.  Painting the house is one project we knew would help the house to sell when it comes time for us to move.  It was while I was painting that the Holy Spirit whispered truths to me (I didn’t hear it audibly, but I felt the words in my heart).  This house is our home.  This community is where God has placed us for this season.  This is where God wants us for now.  Seek out purpose HERE and NOW.  Stop waiting for the future.

Our house isn’t painted completely yet – it became too hot too fast and we have the chance for pop up showers every day.  I don’t really want to put all the effort into painting and then have storms pop up and wash the paint away!  I have been making progress on the inside though, cleaning, sorting and organizing to make our living space more livable.  

Though I have resolved to live for now, it isn’t easy.  Our temps are approaching 100* - they have been for the past week and they will be for the next 10 days at least.  AND our central A/C broke.  It’s done for.  It needs to be replaced.  We have some amazing friends that are letting us borrow their portable unit which helps keep most of our house cool.  But more discontentment started to pour out last night as I lay in bed sweating because our bedroom does not have a window that opens.  The portable unit requires a window for venting.  In fact, we only have 3 windows that open in our entire house – 1 in the living room, 1 in the 2^nd bedroom/family room and 1 in my bathroom.  Not having A/C would be fine if we had all our windows open at night to pull in the 70* air and cool off the house – but we can’t, because they don’t open.  However, with each discontent thought, I'm reminded of things to be thankful for: Friends - who are more like family and so generous; a lower electric bill - I've been watching our daily usage and it has dropped to less than 1/2 of what it was when we were running the central A/C every day!; and cold water baths and showers!

Ya’ll, it’s a struggle, but I’m choosing to be thankful for our cheap house in a quiet neighborhood that is next to a railroad track.

Today, I choose to be thankful and grateful.  Today I choose contentment, peace and joy! Today, I choose to bloom where I am planted!

Approval Addiction

Hello, my name is Angey. I am a recovering approval addict. A very recent recovering approval addict.

What is an approval addict? Someone who lives for the praise and approval of other people. Someone who needs to be liked by everyone. Someone who fears what others may or may not say. Someone who cannot fail. Me. Or at least what I was and what I am trying to no longer be.

I heard a sermon from Red Rocks Church (link at the bottom to listen). It pierced my heart. I was striving to win the approval of others. I wanted people to notice me, applaud me, and I’m ashamed to admit, I wanted them to praise me. Look at what I did. Look at what I’m doing. See how smart I am? I wanted people to see that my life was just as great as theirs! Don’t misunderstand me, my life is wonderful and amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. BUT, I wanted others to see it. So much pride, so much arrogance and so much insecurity! Over the last few years, I’ve let approval addiction rob me of so much joy - it hurts to look back and see how much I hurt myself by choosing to live to please others.

The purpose of this post is not to get everyone to look at me.  I pray that those that do choose to read it will take the time to listen to the sermon (35 minutes) and that they will be blessed and set free!  The only approval I need – is from God.  He is the author of my life and director of my path! He is who I am choosing to live for.

Approval Addiction

Canvas Art

I have discovered a new love for painting! I've always enjoyed creating, but never really practiced beyond elementary school. I've learned that I especially love painting words on canvases! With the encouragement of family and friends, I've decided to put this love to good use.

I've decided to embark on a path that I've always known I wanted to follow, I've just never taken the leap to start. Galatians 6:2 tells us to "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." I have decided to sell a few designs and sizes. The proceeds from these sales will be going into a 'benevolence' account. Currently the funds from this account will be given to a dear friend of mine who has experienced numerous life challenges this year and is in need of help. Lord willing, this account will be used to touch many lives and help bring peace and comfort to those that need it. Another purpose for this account will be to help us (my husband and I) be able to bring children into our home via foster care or adoption. Our current house will not meet the home study requirements for foster care or adoption, so I'm raising funds to help boost our ability to purchase a larger home. If you would be interested in purchasing a custom painted words on canvas, please continue reading for details.

Follow this link for color choices: https://www.glidden.com/colors

I am still compiling the list of the phrases for each letter of the alphabet for the Name Canvas. Here is the partial list that I have so far. I will update as more become available. If you think of one that I don't have, please feel free to share with me. Some letters are just difficult!

These next examples are digital examples. The canvases that you will receive are completely hand painted, therefore will not be as clear and crisp as the digital files show.

8x10

11x14

Please visit my etsy store for more information, designs or to order. 
https://www.etsy.com/shop/GladdenAJoyDesign

If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave a comment.
angeyjoy@yahoo.com

Live for Today

Our family gallery wall featuring our nephews and nieces

When we bought this house, it was not meant to be our ‘forever’ home.  We bought it because it allowed my hubby to move out of his gracious brother’s house, me to move from Michigan and for us to live cheaply while I traveled between South Carolina and Michigan to finish school.  Redoing the kitchen and putting a laundry room in were easy decisions.  However, I pretty much stopped there.  I didn’t want to make the effort to make this house our home, after all, we weren’t planning on being here forever.

Over the last couple weeks, God has revealed discontentment in my heart.  I realized that I wasn’t living each day to its fullest potential.  I wasn’t living for today and mostly, I was putting my life on hold for things to come.  While, it’s ok to plan and dream, it is not alright to not enjoy today.  I was only given so many days in my life here on Earth, I need to make the most of them.

Years ago, I bought inexpensive picture frames from Ikea.  We had a wall in the living room of our house in Michigan that I wanted to make our family wall.  I never did.  I decided that to help make the most of this house and my life right now, I was finally going to make my family gallery wall.  This house doesn’t have a lot of open wall spaces, but we did have one empty wall in our TV room.  I bought 2 8x10 canvases to paint, and command hooks to use to hang all the frames and the canvases.  I decided to use command hooks because I had 11 frames to hang and I didn’t want to put that many holes in the wall, especially because we don’t plan on being here long term.

The Command hooks in formation on the wall.

The blank canvases that I used.

The Ikea Picture frames.

The frames were white and too plain for what I wanted.  I decided to paint them and initially that was a mistake.  The frames are made of a material that repelled the acrylic paint.  After getting annoyed at first, I started applying a thicker coat of paint and that held better.  I used carbon paper and traced each niece and nephew’s name and birth date onto each frame.  When I went over it with a black permanent marker, the paint started chipping away.  Again, I became irritated and almost gave up.  After stepping back though, and looking at it with fresh eyes, I loved it!  Since the paint chipped off so easily, I ended the process by spraying two coats of clear coat spray paint over each frame.  I painted the background of the canvases to match the frames and then painted a quote on each one. 

The canvases and quotes that I painted.

I chose these quotes because our family is scattered all over the country and we don't get to see our nieces and nephews nearly as much as we would like.  We don't have the opportunity to play as big of a role in their lives, but we still love them to pieces and they are our world!  I love the end result and am so happy that I decided to tackle even little projects to continue to make this house our home, while because we still live here!