Feeling provoked

God has been doing a great work in my heart through Bible study and relationships. I find myself angry, hurt, frustrated, irritated, sarcastic or even happy -- when I shouldn't be -- as a response to something I’ve heard or read. Most of the time, I’ll be honest, it's from something on social media. Occasionally, my reaction has come from a passage in the Bible, from a bible study question about what I read, or from words that were spoken during an in-person encounter. My immediate reaction is to react out of whatever emotion I’m feeling, mostly anger. If it’s on social media or an in-person conflict – my chest will tense up and my anxiety will flair. Because I don’t often like to engage in debates, controversial topics or any confrontation, I often don’t actually respond, but just let that emotion seethe within my soul and eat away at my insides. If it’s a response to the Bible, I will often take it out on God – I am SO incredibly thankful that He has very large shoulders and can handle whatever words I decide to hurl – and He’s also a God of patience and grace and gives that to me freely while I calm down.

What God has shown me over the last few months, is that when something someone provokes me, it is usually my own heart that needs examination and change. Why is what I heard/read making me angry, sad, frustrated, etc? Why do I feel the need to react? The simple answer – my pride. I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to learn something new, I don’t want someone else to be right, I don’t want someone else to have something I don’t, I don’t want someone else to have what I do have, and the list goes on and on.

Why am I writing this all? Maybe this is something that someone else needs to consider as well. If you find yourself welling up with not-good emotional reactions at life, maybe do yourself a favor and check your own heart first. You may surprise yourself. It could very well be that the emotion that was provoked is justified and you have very good reason to be angry or sad or frustrated, but also then take that to heart and see if you can’t come along side of whatever provoked you and see why it was said/done/written in the first place and resolve the issue in love and peace rather than stir up more dissension.

Truly thankful?

We all love a good story, right? Well, it’s story time.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Grace who loved God and loved her family.  Grace and her family moved into a smaller home while waiting for the dreams of their forever home to be fulfilled.  She thanked God for providing their current home as it was a roof over their heads and it met their needs.  The cost was low enough that she was able to stay home and take care of the household, while her husband worked diligently to provide.  Her husband was even able to go back to school for a season.  Grace was always quick to tell others about how much God had blessed her and her family and how she was so thankful for her home.

Here’s what Grace didn’t tell people.  Here is what Grace harbored in her heart.  Here is where the truth comes out.  Grace was always dreaming about the next house.  Grace didn’t put forth much effort to make this ‘temporary’ house a home.  She pretended to, but she didn’t really.  Grace longed for the day that she and her family could put down roots and settle into their forever home, their dream home.  She longed for the day where she could decorate the walls and hang pictures. Grace didn’t seek out relationships or friendships in her community because that isn’t where her heart was.  Her heart was where her next house, her forever home, was.

Let me ask you a question, if Grace’s heart is waiting and longing for the future, so much that she isn’t enjoying what she has now, is she truly grateful and thankful?

Truth: This story is true.  This story is based upon someone whom I know very well.  This is my story.

We bought a small 2 bed 2 bath house in a small town.  This house has been a huge blessing – which I’ve written about previously, so I won’t go into crazy detail.  This house was inexpensive so my hubby was able to qualify for a mortgage by himself with his new job.  It gave us a place to live, a place for me to move down to, that was at least ½ the cost of rent.  The low monthly payment has meant that I haven’t had to work over the last 2 years.  I’ve still been able to travel to visit friends and family quite often.  We’ve also been able to bless others.  We are spoiled with 2 bathrooms.  A railroad track lines our property!  We live in a very walkable neighborhood and we are so close to town that I can walk to the dollar store, park, coffee shop, the post office and many other places. 

I wrote before about living for today, but guess what?!  After I finished that wall – I gave up.  I started putting off projects because we weren’t going to be here for much longer, therefore why bother.  I started watching real estate and actively looking in multiple areas for our forever home, for the house that fulfills all of our wants and desires.  I started looking at floor plans again, just in case we decide to build.  And with each house I looked at, I became more and more discontent with our current house.  It’s too small.  The layout is crazy and the walls are stuck where they are – the exterior AND interior walls are cement block.   This house has almost zero insulation so even though it is only 1000 sq ft, our energy bills are crazy high.  Our kitchen has a weird layout.  Our dishwasher doesn’t work well.  We don’t have a grocery store nearby.  It takes me at least a half hour to visit any friends or to go to Bible Study Fellowship.  OUR HOUSE IS ORANGE!  The list kept growing over things that I didn’t like.

Home Depot had a great sale on paint Memorial Day weekend.  I was able to purchase 10 gallons of exterior paint for $120 after rebate.  The weather eventually cooperated and I was able to start cleaning and painting the outside of our house.  Painting the house is one project we knew would help the house to sell when it comes time for us to move.  It was while I was painting that the Holy Spirit whispered truths to me (I didn’t hear it audibly, but I felt the words in my heart).  This house is our home.  This community is where God has placed us for this season.  This is where God wants us for now.  Seek out purpose HERE and NOW.  Stop waiting for the future.

Our house isn’t painted completely yet – it became too hot too fast and we have the chance for pop up showers every day.  I don’t really want to put all the effort into painting and then have storms pop up and wash the paint away!  I have been making progress on the inside though, cleaning, sorting and organizing to make our living space more livable.  

Though I have resolved to live for now, it isn’t easy.  Our temps are approaching 100* - they have been for the past week and they will be for the next 10 days at least.  AND our central A/C broke.  It’s done for.  It needs to be replaced.  We have some amazing friends that are letting us borrow their portable unit which helps keep most of our house cool.  But more discontentment started to pour out last night as I lay in bed sweating because our bedroom does not have a window that opens.  The portable unit requires a window for venting.  In fact, we only have 3 windows that open in our entire house – 1 in the living room, 1 in the 2^nd bedroom/family room and 1 in my bathroom.  Not having A/C would be fine if we had all our windows open at night to pull in the 70* air and cool off the house – but we can’t, because they don’t open.  However, with each discontent thought, I'm reminded of things to be thankful for: Friends - who are more like family and so generous; a lower electric bill - I've been watching our daily usage and it has dropped to less than 1/2 of what it was when we were running the central A/C every day!; and cold water baths and showers!

Ya’ll, it’s a struggle, but I’m choosing to be thankful for our cheap house in a quiet neighborhood that is next to a railroad track.

Today, I choose to be thankful and grateful.  Today I choose contentment, peace and joy! Today, I choose to bloom where I am planted!

Approval Addiction

Hello, my name is Angey. I am a recovering approval addict. A very recent recovering approval addict.

What is an approval addict? Someone who lives for the praise and approval of other people. Someone who needs to be liked by everyone. Someone who fears what others may or may not say. Someone who cannot fail. Me. Or at least what I was and what I am trying to no longer be.

I heard a sermon from Red Rocks Church (link at the bottom to listen). It pierced my heart. I was striving to win the approval of others. I wanted people to notice me, applaud me, and I’m ashamed to admit, I wanted them to praise me. Look at what I did. Look at what I’m doing. See how smart I am? I wanted people to see that my life was just as great as theirs! Don’t misunderstand me, my life is wonderful and amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. BUT, I wanted others to see it. So much pride, so much arrogance and so much insecurity! Over the last few years, I’ve let approval addiction rob me of so much joy - it hurts to look back and see how much I hurt myself by choosing to live to please others.

The purpose of this post is not to get everyone to look at me.  I pray that those that do choose to read it will take the time to listen to the sermon (35 minutes) and that they will be blessed and set free!  The only approval I need – is from God.  He is the author of my life and director of my path! He is who I am choosing to live for.

Approval Addiction